Three years ago, I could still feel the sting in my left armpit every time I lifted my arm past shoulder height. With one eye closed, anxiety and denial flooded through me as I opened the mailbox and waited for the white BC Cancer Agency envelope, announcing the start of chemotherapy, to appear.

As Christmas carols played in every Starbucks in Vancouver, time slowed as I hovered in the doorway between my past life as a professional, suit-wearing, laptop-slinging headhunter and my interim reality as a bald, scrawny, fatigued cancer patient. Then, throughout the first few months of 2010, there were days when the engine of time seemed to sputter and then die completely as each moment of chemo-induced joint pain felt like a merciless life sentence.

When I think back on those endless hours, knit together by boredom, pain, fear, and anxiety, it’s hard to believe I have arrived in a place where I’m so deep into my new life that I can barely snag a moment of peace and quiet contemplation. On the busiest of days, I try to remember my silent negotiations as I recovered from surgeries, and swore I would never again let stress become my dictator.

Yet here I am…neck deep into an exciting and terrifying chapter where the fear about how to pull off a Big Hairy Audacious Dream sometimes shakes me awake in the night and then pokes at me whenever I attempt to sleep again.

But, there is a gigantic upside to this fear. The dream engine is working in overdrive and soon, 12 other cancer survivors, including two of my fellow Facing Cancer Bloggers, will have the chance to travel to New Delhi, India for a 2-week volunteer program. My hope is that the stories of these 12 will make an impact on all of you and on people around the world. Their stories are about how to pick up the pieces of your life after treatment ends. But, these stories are also about our global village and how we are more the same than we are different.

There is a huge amount of work to be done, in order to make this trip a reality and we have just over 2 months to do it. Will you help us make this happen by visiting the latest post on my website and leaving your comment for Sir Richard Branson?: The #Delhi2013 Mob on Richard Branson Continues. Share Your Voice To Shape History.

Yes, you heard me right, Richard Branson – billionaire, philanthropic visonary, and leader of all things Virgin. After our successful social media mob last Tuesday, we are now trying to get to 200 comments by Tuesday because then we plan to take this story to the media. We want Virgin Atlantic to donate round trip flights to New Delhi for our #Delhi2013 Dozen and we need your help to pull this off.

This trip is a pilot program to see if an international volunteer experience helps other cancer survivors heal the way it helped me. If we’re successful, we hope that means plenty more adventures ahead for people just like you.

I continue to be so grateful to all of you and to the support of this community. You have held me up through some of my darkest times and I hope each of you finds the support you need through the tough days in your world. When the time comes for your fresh chapter, we’ll be right there beside you too.

Returning from an epic trip and finishing cancer treatment can both evoke the powerful (and often difficult to answer) question, Now What?

If you are rounding the final lap of treatment and about to step out the doors of the Cancer Agency for the last time (at least until your first follow-up appointment), perhaps you are faced with questions like:

• Am I ready to go back to work?
• Why do I feel so disengaged from conversations with my friends and family?
• What if the cancer comes back and I have to face treatment AGAIN, or worse, what if it comes back and it’s not treatable?

Here is excerpt from one of my January 2011 posts, Picking Up the Pieces, when I was navigating through a field of emotional land mines, searching for what the hell was supposed to come next:

For me, the transition from healthy person to cancer patient in October of 2009 grabbed me by the neck and throttled me. I reeled from my emotions, but the shock and fear made sense to me (even seemed like the appropriate, socially acceptable response). What I did not see coming was the overwhelming transition that I am now faced with. The transition from patient back to healthy person.

In this post, I share a quote from the book of the same name, Picking Up The Pieces by Kathy Scalzo and Dr. Sherri Magee. It’s one of the best books I have found for navigating the conflicting emotions that can come along with survivorship.

Ironically, the emotional sh!tstorm I faced when coming out of treatment was the catalyst to making a decision to Jump Off The Cliff (not literally), quit my job, and travel to volunteer in South Africa in April of 2011.

Since then, I’ve become addicted to cliff jumping into big dreams and recently had the chance to chase a Big Hairy Audacious Dream on a volunteer trip around the globe. In the month since I returned to Canada, I’ve reflected a lot on my Adventure of Hope and the 18 months leading up to this point. This redesign of my life has felt right for me, even if it hasn’t been easy. As I wrote in the same post, it started with a face plant into my fears:

So, although my cancer journey will finish, the real work  of picking up the pieces of my life has just begun. The thought of shaping those pieces into a brand new identity scares the crap out of me.

So here’s to all of you out-of-breath swimmers who have the courage to join me as we dive into fear and sadness. You brave dog paddlers who teach me to make no guarantees about how or when we’ll make it to the other side. And, here’s to the friends and family who tirelessly cheer us on from the bleachers. Even if they don’t recognize us in our wet, bedraggled, chest heaving state as we climb out of the pool, we appreciate that they will do their best to love us anyways.

Over the last year, I have learned how monumental the challenges of reinvention and reintegration can feel. Thank God for communities like Facing Cancer and the people who help us make it across the divide and into the next phase of whatever we decide we want life to look like. (I hate the phrase, the “new normal”, but I think you know what I mean).

If you feel scared, sad, or alienated by your fears about what comes after treatment, I promise, you are not alone. Many of us have been there and will continue to wade through the murky pool of questions and fears that, unfortunately, may never entirely disappear.

To manage my own fears and questions, I’ve become a subscriber to the “life is short, I’m going to live the hell out of it while I still can” philosophy.

On that note,  I’m not ready to hang up my Big Hairy Audacious Dreaming shoes. In February 2013, I have big plans to take a group of 8-12 cancer survivors, a researcher, and a videographer to New Delhi, India so we can see just how powerful international volunteering and cultural exchange can be for survivors.

If you feel like you need a big adventure to help you kick off your post-cancer chapter. I would love you to join us. Or, if you have a story about what you did to help move forward after treatment, I would love you to share it. Let’s support each other as we ask the question, “Now What” and then bravely put one foot in front of the other as we step into an unknown, but potentially wonderfully exciting, future.

Hola from Peru!

I’m sad to say I’ve been MIA on this wonderful site lately. It’s hard to believe that 4 months ago today, I stepped onto a Cathay Pacific flight and took off for Vietnam (by way of Hong Kong). Since then, access to the Internet and time to write has been a precious commodity as I volunteered my way through Vietnam, India, Rwanda, Tanzania, Spain, and now Peru.

For some of you, I’m sure the idea of getting off the couch and going anywhere feels like a MAJOR undertaking. I feel you. It was only 2 years ago when I was counting down the final 7 days until my double mastectomy and still shaky with post-chemo fatigue. Sometimes it feels like only last week that I was trapped inside my apartment, or more specifically – trapped inside my body. But, now – I promise you – there are days when I forget I even had cancer. Days when I make a brand new friend on the road or explore a new country and feel nothing but gratitude over having my body and my life back.

If you and I have met before, you might know the reason behind my Adventure of Hope. You might know about a little blog post I wrote in August called My Big Hairy Audacious Dream that led to this research trip around the world where I am sussing out opportunities for other cancer survivors to volunteer internationally as a way of picking up the pieces of our post-cancer lives.

We all know cancer sucks! It’s gruelling, both physically and emotionally and often feels like we are running the longest marathon in the world (sometimes with no end in site). My hope for you is that you are nearing the finish line and that you have plenty of support to navigate through the surprisingly difficult (for some of us) transition from patient back into fully functioning human being.

If I have learned anything over these past four months, it’s that we have to seize every opportunity presented to us to do things that make us happy because NONE of us know how much longer we have on this earth.

I’ve also learned how incredibly LUCKY I am that I was born in Canada and had access to treatment in some of the best medical facilities in the world. I’m sure you don’t feel lucky if you’re on your way to chemo right now, but, I have recently spent time in African countries where people would rather get HIV than cancer because they “know” if they get cancer, they WILL die. I have heard shocking stories about the stigma and secrecy that still enshrouds cancer in the developing world and I have seen women getting chemo infusions as they lie on dirty hospital floors in Vietnam. We are lucky to have access to treatment and to have a community like Facing Cancer to help us navigate through the journey.

If you want to catch up on some of the hi-lights from the last four months and meet some amazing and inspiring people from around the globe, here are a few links:

The Global Cancer World:

• Sisters from Another Mister – The K Cancer Hospital in Vietnam
• What Will Your Legacy Be? – Thuy’s Dream – an amazing story from HCMC, Vietnam
• Even Death Unites Us - A new palliative care program in HCMC, Vietnam
• Want to See Joy Rising? – CANSupport in New Delhi, India
• Why Not? – Women dreaming BIG dreams in Dar Es Salaam, Tanzania

New Connections & Beautiful Lessons Learned:

• The Secrets We Keep – My placement at Mother Teresa’s in New Delhi
• The Motherless Children of Rwanda – Life at the orphanage in Rwanda
• Rwanda – Our Nightmare and Our Dreams – The Lingering impacts of the Rwandan Genocide
• When Was Your Last Heartbreak – Saying Goodbye to the Children of Rwanda
• African Ambulances & All Nighters - I’ll let this title speak for itself
• Everything Starts in a Minute – Lessons from an insightful soul in Zanzibar
• Meeting the One – A wonderful week at Pueblos Ingles in Spain
• Cuzco – Peru – Be Here Now – Learning to stay in the moment
• So Intense – I Can Almost Taste It – Pain is universal

I’m so happy to have some of you along for the ride and would love to stay connected. And IF – you are nearing the end of your treatment and want something to look forward to, let’s talk…

I am hatching a new DREAM to bring a group of 8-10 survivors on a once in a lifetime volunteer trip in early 2013 and I would love to have you along for the ride.

It’s Day 3 of 2012 and already the 2-day hangovers have dissipated, the Christmas lights are  disappearing from the houses on my friend’s street, and everyone is slipping back into the busyness of life.

How’s it going with those New Year’s Resolutions of yours? Is 2012 the year you will end your long term relationship with Suzy Saddlebags & Paula Paunch? The 12 months where you will drink green tea every single day or finally admit to yourself that using a glass of Shiraz to suppress your anxiety about your job, your boyfriend, or your budget is not a great strategy (ahh, when will I ever learn…)?

I’ve always sucked at keeping New Year’s Resolutions, so I gave up making them years ago. I don’t know about you, but as soon as someone tells me I HAVE to do ____________, I lose interest (even if the person bossing me around is me).

But last year, a little article by Martha Beck shifted my perspective on resolutions and quite literally changed my life. Sounds dramatic, doesn’t it? But, if you have been around for awhile, you know how choosing my three words for 2011: healthy, loved, and inspired led me down the garden path (or whatever path it was) to a brand new life. If you read my Hell Yes post, you know how thinking about what would INSPIRE me led to a volunteer trip in Africa and put the wheels in motion for my upcoming (equal parts terrifying and exciting) Adventure of Hope.

With the start of a New Year, I have thought a lot about what bright and shiny word I want to choose for 2012. You see, late last year, I thought my word might be FREEDOM. But, here’s the thing…you should be careful what you wish for. I have never felt more FREE in my life. With no home, job, boyfriend, or family of my own, I have absolutely zero attachments. Are there perks that come with this freedom? Absolutely. But, do I want to live with this kind of zero-attachments-freedom forever? Absolutely not.

So instead, I’ve decided that in 2012, I want to cultivate CONNECTION. I know – pass the patchouli and let’s all sing “Kumbaya”. But, in all seriousness…one week from today, I will search in the bottom of my new rolling duffle bag (who knew trying to wear a travel backpack post mastectomy and reconstruction would be such a painful idea) for my Big Girl Panties and then board a flight to Hong Kong, en route to Vietnam. Then, you and I will spend the next six months traveling around the world, volunteering on almost every continent.

So, how does my big word for 2012 fit in? Well, I believe that this trip is about more than “just” international volunteering and more than “just” cancer survivorship; it’s about CONNECTION. It’s about moments like when I was there to bathe and care for a scared little boy in the Townships of Cape Town and he was there to remind me of how far I’d come since my double mastectomy. It’s about having the opportunity to share stories about these global connections with you. Stories about the resilience of the human spirit and about families who come from the most meagre of circumstances but still have hope for a better tomorrow. And just maybe, this trip is a reminder for me (and hopefully for you) that the past does not define us. Whether our story used to be cancer, a failed relationship, or a lost job, it’s never too late to write a new one.

I’m still working on my other two words, but hell, it’s only January 3rd and I have fundraising goals to hit (38% and climbing thanks to your support – Woohoo!), a spreadsheet to keep updating as you help me get back “in the black”, and a few great prizes to give away to anyone who contributes between now and midnight PST on January 9th. Besides, my first 12-hour flight next week should give me plenty of time to decide on the next two words.

For now – I’m passing the floor over to you. What will your word for 2012 be?

* I have shared this post directly from my blog, A Fresh Chapter, and have not modified it for Facing Cancer because I believe that regardless or where we are in life, we have the ability to think about how we want to feel. Maybe some of you who are trudging through the midst of treatment can’t even begin to think of a positive word for 2012. I can relate – I’ve been there. What I will say is that one of the words that pulled me through the hardest days of treatment was the word healthy. I vowed to do everything in my power to get back to a place of feeling and being healthy. Some days, a walk to the corner store was all I could manage, but eventually I could get through a Hatha Yoga class, or even a long walk on the sea wall. I know it’s a one day at a time battle and I hope that one day, very soon, I will have the chance to support you as you write the post-cancer chapter of your life.

Can you think of a moment in your life when you made the decision to go “all in”? When you pushed your chips into the middle of the table and took a giant leap of faith into your future? Maybe the moment you put down your Visa card and picked up a diamond ring. The day you signed the bold blank line on your first mortgage. Or the moment you threw away your final birth control pill package and decided to open yourself up to the possibility of someone eventually calling you Mom.

Were you terrified before you took the leap? Did you consider, even for just one second, opting out? Out of the “till death do us part” commitment, the massive mortgage payments, or the dirty diapers and Fisher Price toys because the voice of your Inner Critic got the best of you? Maybe you came up with a lengthy mental list of all the ways you might fail. How you might lose your job and default on your mortgage; marry the wrong person; or become a terrible parent.

Even with all of those looming doubts, did you jump anyway?

You would think Jumping off a Cliff would get easier if you have leaped once before and you know you have an important reason to keep Stepping Into The Fear.

But, it doesn’t.

The fear is still there. Breathing its smelly morning breath in your face. Daring you to back away from the edge.

But, today I’m raising the stakes and going “all in” while I repeat one of my favourite quotes over and over in my mind:

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.  ~Ambrose Redmoon

So, with the support of Go Overseas and CLOUDInc, my Adventure of Hope is about to begin. I’m about to travel to almost every continent to partner with 5-10 different volunteer organizations. I’m about to open myself up to opportunities ranging from working with cancer survivors in Vietnam, to teaching women basic business skills in India, to helping with a building or wildlife conservation project in Costa Rica. These experiences will provide the framework for “our” not for profit by introducing me to some of the safest, most ethical, and easiest to work with volunteer organizations in the industry. This insight means I can help fellow survivors get set up with their own Adventures of Hope.

So, (gulp), here’s my tentative itinerary:

• Jan 10 – Feb 10th – GeoVisions in Vietnam
• Feb 11 – March 3rd – CCS in New Delhi, India
• March 15 – March 29 – GVN in Rwanda
• April 1 – 15 – Tanzania or Kenya
• April 20 – 28 – Pueblos Ingles in Spain
• May – Peru
• June – Costa Rica

In case this all seems like a great big game of let’s pretend (which I get it – sometimes it even feels that way to me), I have exciting news. The first two volunteer partners: Cross Cultural Solutions and Global Volunteer Network have committed to the project!

1. Cross Cultural Solutions

February 11 – March 3rd - Cross Cultural Solutions in New Delhi. It was because of my life-changing experience with CCS in Cape Town that I came up with My Big Hairy Audacious Dream of creating an organization to help other cancer survivors volunteer internationally. Does traveling to a city of 15 million people make me nervous? Absolutely. But in a city with an illiteracy rate of 48% among women, there are plenty of opportunities for me to work on community led projects that make a difference locally and I know I will be in great hands with CCS.

2. Global Volunteer Network

March 15 – 29th - Global Volunteer Network in Rwanda. As soon as I connected with Erin Cassidy the CEO of GVN, I knew I had found a kindred spirit. She suggested GVN’s program in Rwanda because of its connection to survivorship. Surviving genocide and surviving cancer are two very different challenges. But, what a powerful opportunity for cancer survivors to support people who have seen the absolute worst and made it to the other side. As soon as I saw this picture on the GVN website, I knew I had to go to Rwanda.

So, somehow, in the next 30 days, I need to:

• Book my flights;
• Confirm at least 4-6 more Volunteer Providers/Sponsors;
• Raise approximately $18,000 through personal donations and corporate sponsorship (the donation link just went live on A Fresh Chapter;
• Purchase/learn how to use a basic HD video camera so I can take footage along the way. (Won’t it feel more like you’re coming if I can upload a few clips?)

Yes, I am overwhelmed and scared sh!tless about how to pull all of this off over a busy, holiday season. But, I’m choosing to believe that if I work hard enough and keep connecting with amazing partners like CLOUDInc, GO Overseas, CCS, GeoVisions, & GVN, this dream IS possible.

Sure, there will be times when I wake up at 3am and I can’t get back to sleep because I’m worried I’ve “bitten off more than I can chew”. But, I will remember that this is about so much more than a trip around the world. I will remember that it’s about providing opportunities for cancer warriors to start A Fresh Chapter in their lives and supporting them as they move through the often difficult transition from patient to survivor. And just maybe, I will take deep breaths for long enough to remember one of Oprah’s favourite quotes that I’ve adopted as my own,

“God can dream a bigger dream for you than you could ever dream for yourself.”

**If you or anyone you know is interested in finding out more about joining this Adventure of Hope, please contact me.