Monthly Archives: January 2012

How Cancer Changes Us – A Teen’s Perspective…

29 Jan

My teenage daughter was booked to go on an educational exploration of South America, including some volunteer projects just months before my diagnosis. I encouraged her to go, not to feel worried or held back by my cancer and to grow as a
person on this trip. She was to go to Belize, Guatemala and Costa Rica, learning with teachers and volunteering in a Guatemalan Hospital and health center as well as organic planting projects. There was structure and safety but no luxury for the teenagers. They were required to write project diaries while they studied. One day, she was asked to read the particular journal entry to the rest of the group. She shared it with me and said that her teacher cried as she expressed the heartfelt answer to the day’s question. It goes like this …. Unaltered…

DAY 1: Cay Caulker, Belize

What event has shaped your life?

An event that has shaped my life was my mom getting diagnosed with breast cancer. I have always been really close with my mom all my life and it was one casual school night, after some amount of days preceding an amazing family trip, that I heard the life changing news. At first I cried, I cried for the thought of losing my mom and never receiving her bottomless love and guidance ever again. It was in the weeks following though that I noticed a change in hers and my attitude. I started appreciating every talk, every moment I got to spend with her everyday. She had to stay home from work of course because of all the chemotherapy, but this meant for the first time she had been home when I came home from school. She had more time to just talk to me and help me with anything I needed that when she was working, did not have time to do. From this I believe it brought out the best in me, as I was inspired to study harder, to play harder for my school teams and just find positive in every situation I faced.

In the end my marks and hard work paid off because I had never been so determined to accomplish something before having a mother with a life-threatening disease. I guess you could say it was the threat of losing her that brought out the determination in me, but I really think it was her remarkable and inspiring positive attitude through the long journey to better health she faced, that caused my sudden urge for accomplishment. She shaped my life and as I think about her I forget about her illness because it is her positive energy that touched every person around her and caused him or her to live his or her lives to the fullest as well. Life is a precious thing and it is not until it is threatened do we thank ourselves for what we have lived and understand its price. Down to complaining about going to tennis practice or fussing with my hair, I now can easily remind myself of the things my mom can do, do not include those. I quickly thank ‘him’ for what he has given me and clear out the negative atmosphere out of the room. I am not a religious person but I do thank ‘him’ for what I have and count the stars I still have with my mom, my family and with my positive life.

If you were to change anything about yourself, what would it be?

I was not an extremely determined person before my mom’s cancer diagnosis, but I have developed a stronger initiative to fulfill more of my life goals and to appreciate every experience I go through. Finding positive in a difficult situation is a skill, and I believe I have developed this skill further by being inspired by my mom’s amazing initiative and outlook on life. I hope to fulfill that goal in hope to return some of the positive energy my mom has been feeding me. Before I had been more scared to face life with such a courageous and ambitious attitude, but I am realizing through this experience how much more there is to enjoy in life when you do use this attitude. This is what I want and am attempting to change about myself, to make myself a better person for my benefits and the people around me.

Once you can understand how to find the ambition in yourself to live your life full, it becomes addicting to keep striving for higher and larger goals for yourself. This is what I want to change about myself, to become a person, like my mother, who spends every waking minute to find the most positive things in life and spend her time doing the things she loves most. Having an attitude like this makes my cottage more beautiful, my dog more loving, my teachers more exciting and my life more successful. I hope in the future that one day I can look back with my mom free of cancer and see a girl that changed her life by finding the strength for her mom and the ambition to live her life full.

By Olivia age 16
(She wants to be a Doctor too, someday…..)
Now in Biomedical Science, she’s off across the Pacific to build schools in May.

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Colour Outside The Lines

27 Jan

It is so hard for us to see outside of the box – life is all on a path, plans are made, tomorrow happens how it is supposed to ….. until that Cancer word changes everything. I’m not supposed to get cancer – I’m the doctor – it was all wrong, not at 47 . Not again….. not all in a week , not more surgery, chemo, oh god – horrible genetics and more surgery ….. That was 1 ½ yrs ago now . When people complain about an aging birthday, I say that I can’t wait to be that old because that will mean that many years from my cancer – the recalibration of life.
That’s the awakening…. Life mostly goes how you plan but it is the ability to adapt to the crazy changes that creates fortitude and resilience – learning to live in the present and BE SPONTANEOUS.
So I am trying to erase those lines – the preplanning and become adaptive with free thinking and COLOR OUTSIDE THE LINES. My abstract acrylic painting class is the best therapy: The painting just IS – all by itself…. Not representing anything but a feeling to explore, be free and go beyond your comfort zone to be colourful, experiment with texture and stop judging the unfinished product.
It is a simple project – acrylic paints, gel medium, a canvas board and brush or any number of household kitchen items to scrape paint around. Expression is the name of the game. Just paint….
Reflections….

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The Power of Great Feelings

20 Jan

When you live in the moment, it’s that awesome feeling – nail something hard, against the odds, with determination and drive that consumes your mind. It’s that feeling that keeps you coming back. When things seem tough and the only way is forward, those feelings give you power and strength. When things don’t work out right, those feelings remind you to try again. It is clear that endorphins produced in exercise, help to control pain – not only can exercise help but the memory of that power and good feeling is such great therapy too….
I remember after the axillary dissection, having extensive adhesions in my axilla. My husband called the scarring my “Bat Wing” as it webbed across my armpit. Intense physiotherapy pulling apart the scarring was the answer to free up my arm to get a tennis serve again and reach for my front crawl swim stroke. As she pulled the tissue and nerves, my body sweated with the pain and she would tell me to “imagine a good place, focus on good feelings” – I would force my mind to go to a thrill zone of success – a moment of feeling great to take my mind off the pain as I concentrated on breathing.
And so I imagine all those moments when my mind was in another zone: awesome moments that I still love so much – my mind takes a photo to always go there….

Nail that low percentage shot down the line (tennis) – awesome
Coming back from behind to win
The moment you pull out of the water on a slalom waterski start
A glass of red wine at the water edge arriving at the cottage
Coffee in bed in the morning on the weekend
Riding up and down a big bank of snow on my snowboard
Dancing to great music – your soul in the zone
That wahoo moment of leaning back on your snowboard in the powder
Screaming on a roller coaster that is totally out of your comfort zone
Warmth of sun at the end of the day with a good book
Turning up the music in the car to that “Invincible” song
The noise of going so fast on a snowboard, holding control – because you have to…
SO, ….GO TO THAT PLACE IN YOUR HEAD …..AND LET’S RIDE…

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Self Care

14 Jan

There is a good balance between giving and self care that we must keep in check and, above all, not feel guilty about setting boundaries to stay healthy. Interestingly, it creates mutual respect which is the fundamental part of any relationship – patient or personal.
And so we strive to be ourselves – a fine balance of spiritual, social, intellectual and physical pieces that balanced equally, create the healthy you. Asking ourselves if we divide ourselves among these four pieces equally is fundamental to finding our authentic selves. ……Yesterday, work was emotionally tough. I started my abstract acrylic art class and my emotions connected to my hand as I painted a mix of colours onto the rough canvas ……..

An exercise in art therapy last year was to create the image of a balanced you: A table that balances equal columns or a circle that has equal quadrants……

Four Spirits (May 2011)

Given the task to draw our 4 spirits – EMOTIONAL, SPIRITUAL, PHYSICAL AND INTELLECTUAL.
First I drew the circle like a light at the top of a tunnel , just like the miners saw as they were pulled from the mine. It is these 4 spirits that pulled me from the bottom of that terrible cancer hole last year as I had to put every drop of energy to believe I would be OK after so many bad results and surgeries. And so the round light at the top of the darkness is me :
My Emotional side I feel as we walk hand in hand at relay for life, no words need to explain what my family have been through and together we made it through adversity. We celebrate our emotions at the Merry End of Treatment Party and wearing our banners we all walk the survivor lap – not to know that you have survived this disease, that is always my shadow, but to have survived the ordeal of last year, knowing that I have the strength to do great things. I began to put words around as they came into my head: trust– in my doctors and my path, Teach and write – the emotions of adversity to change others, win – staying the journey to the end, Forgive – those who are afraid to talk emotionally because it hurts too much, breathe – when emotion gets the better of me, be me.
My Spiritual side has come alive in my journey. Some may say that God would not give this to anyone but it is my choice in how I choose to use it. I can dwell on the pain and terrifying fear or I can choose to see my strength and help others see theirs. I am passionate to help others see the beauty of life that we take so much for granted. What a beautiful place it would be if we could focus on this. And so the picture represents the brightness that I choose to see, and with me comes my shadow that will always be my label. I do not need it to run my life but it is never far away. Inspire – to lead others to change, Accept – my challenges and let them be part of me and use them not afraid of them, Believe – that we can make a difference, believe that our strengths are bigger than weaknesses, Step – beyond comfort zones , balance – always check to be sure I am looking after myself too and Grace – in not needing reward or comparison – fulfillment comes from within.
Intellectual self as a doctor, I see as healing. I used to be an Emergency Physician, always on the go, loving the intervention of fractures, procedures, never to see the person again, not even remembering their name. I now realize that as a family physician, those are not just people, they care as much for me as I do for them. They are family with children who I see through success and adversity. I can reach their hearts when they are broken and hold their hand when it’s tough. It is a relationship based on so much trust. I am there to decide, inform, relate, understand. I have been given back the chance to do this and will always care.
Lastly my physical self: the catharsis of exercise is cleanses the chaos. The sweat clears my mind and the rhythmic breathing when I swim calms my thoughts. If I cannot release my energy, it feels like it will blow. When I hit that tennis ball, the power feels so good but the planning and execution takes over my mind to a sweet place that nothing else enters. It is so consuming that it is cleansing.
That is why I like my art. When I am in that space where time stands still and thought overtakes time, I find it relaxing and free. I will continue to express, it is my therapy.

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An Inspiring Story of Courage

6 Jan

He is 25 yrs old. He wants no name or special mention because he would be embarrassed. He is dying and it is hard because it all seems unfair. He has allowed me to show how he can inspire people in his hardship. There is some invisible connection – not because I could imagine his pain but pulling myself out of that deep cancer hole, I maybe tasted a tiniest fraction of his burden and fear. Maybe that’s how I see the immensity of his bravery. He has brought friends together, he has made us all realize at work how to put differences aside and appreciate every moment we are given, that family are so important, he makes me focus on finding happiness in small things – a bite of cake, a funny card and a hug. His bravery at facing so many treatments and surgeries makes our small challenges and fears seem so surmountable – he gives us this strength. I am not afraid to talk about cancer and put it into words in my poem to help us appreciate every moment. To live in the present is what we have – don’t miss today worrying about tomorrow, even if life will be shortened.
And so I share the thoughts that he put in my heart. There are no words to make it better but we can change the journey and cherish every moment: So inspiring…I hope his courage touches many hearts, I told him that.

Cherish each moment

A moment is a piece of time that you can feel right now
Focus on the present and you will see just how
A moment can be laughter -belly aching sore
A moment is a hug, as family leave the door
A moment is a lifetime whenever you are scared
A moment is a visit to tell a friend you cared
A moment is a heartfelt talk in the middle of the night
A moment is the time to send a card to help the fight
A moment is the feeling of flying through the air
A moment is the memory of going higher than you dare
In moments when you’re hurting or facing hugest fears
Our hearts are there a thousand strong to help you with the tears
Have you ever missed the moment because your head was turned
You will not repeat that time again is all that you had learned
Its moments of embarrassment that we remember well
Lets laugh and think of growing up and stories we could tell
Your inspiration grounds us and we all can learn from you
To cherish every moment is what we all must do

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” I AM ” – A poem from past to present

4 Jan

One of the first exercises in my “Writing for the health of it” class was a poem – my first introduction to poetry and writing, and a discovery of the powerful therapy of expression. I had just finished chemo and soon to have my hysterectomy as I wrote the original “I Am” poem. The first 2 words are given: I hope…, I feel…., etc . I read the original poem and wondered how I would feel now to rewrite it …. It came out differently – it is like another part of me writes as feelings change. We move through a healing process of life that, for me involves sharing and giving back, creating joy and fulfillment as I make a difference in people’s lives. Cancer wounds us deep inside and time will help this while learning to move forwards rather than letting it rule us is so important.
And so I reflect on where I have been and where I am now:

I AM – October 2010

I am persevering and strong
I wonder where my new path will take me
I hear the peace at my cottage – the water on the dock
I see the warm pink sunset flooding over us after a wonderful day
I want to keep it all safe so that nothing can take it away
I am persevering and strong

I pretend to have hair and look normal
I feel no one understands the scars and mental journey
I touch my husband’s hand and want it to last forever
I worry that he has too much burden
I cry that my family love me so much and don’t like me hurt
I am persevering and strong

I understand that we all have a destiny
I say that I must trust this path
I dream that I will make a difference to many
I try always to see the positive in everything
I hope never to forget how much can be taken away
I am persevering and strong.
…………………………….

I AM – January 2012

I am passionate about life
I wonder what my kids will do in the future
I hear grounding words in my head whenever I am upset
I see the beauty in every moment, no matter how small
I want to use my gifts to help others
I am passionate about life

I pretend that I don’t think about cancer returning
I feel no one knows what goes on in my head after those 2 cancer blows
I touch my husband’s hand at a whole new level now
I worry that this is not the last of it
I cry that these genes will hurt my children in the future
I am passionate about life

I understand that there are statistics
I say to myself that looking after everyone includes me
I dream that I will do so much with what I have learned
I try to always see the positive in everything
I hope to be part of making this a treatable disease
I am passionate about life

……………………………………

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Celebrating 1 year back at work – overcoming chemo brain

3 Jan

One year ago, returning to work was an exciting return to normality but a dauntingly tiring thought. The biggest fear, however was my chemo brain. It was not hard eventually to get through the day with a list and reminders but the multitasking challenge of work was a scary thought. Could I multitask at the pace I had to? Would my brain quickly remember all the drugs? Was I up to date with medications? My colleagues reassured me they were there beside me and I knew people would be forgiving , but would I?
Could I focus?: Reason for visit, differential diagnoses, history to rule in or out hypothesis, exam , preventative care tests as they visit – mammograms, etc, what medications do they need today? , issues impacting wellbeing, red flag symptoms, necessary referral – urgent or not urgent? And of course, the extra 10 minute summary of my cancer journey, multiple surgeries, chemo and all questions on how I got through it. I thrived on this stimulation and always have, the incredible excitement of seeing my patients again and my brain was thrown into overdrive – it felt awesome. It wasn’t long before the headache of stimulation would start. The intensity felt like I was writing a massive exam and I had to sleep as soon as I got home. Chemo brain is a terrible thing and this was proof of how real it was. But… It got better with time, support and reassessing priorities. There was also something I never anticipated, I brought so much to people in all I had been through, that it outweighed my worry of what I may not know.

Tomorrow is my 1 year anniversary of returning to work and the exact anniversary of my genetic results. It’s not hard to realize they were positive when I was called 3 times in 2 days to ensure I attended a noon fit-in appointment with 3 days notice! – the most severe level of BRCA 1 as well as 2 mutations of BRCA2 that were not very significant. I was told that this was shocking news, though, I had done the necessary surgeries already, based on previous risk analysis and that I could see a counselor – not just for me but this was now affecting my family too – like a horrid plague.

In fact, this time last year, my colleague and I decided to buy a pot of pink paint and redecorate my exam rooms to have a “Pink, Positive, new start” attitude. Pink is cheerful and warm as well as my favourite colour. It also happens to be the colour for breast cancer which I stand strong and public about to all my patients and colleagues.

And so I celebrate now, a year of returning to work and the dusty, sticky cogs that gave me daily headaches are now feeling like a well-oiled machine that is even more experienced than before. The art of medicine has been enriched and the science even more interesting. Never to forget what got taken away, always to sympathize with those being treated, teaching those who can’t see the effects it has on thinking – if this is just one year, I hope I will be as wise as old Yoda one day .

Painting the Positive Pink rooms for a fresh start last year

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