Monthly Archives: June 2011

Blame it on the cancer: post-BC relationship stress

29 Jun

Today, my husband and I were alone – just the two of us. That hasn’t happened in a long, long time. I love (LOVE) the company of friends and family, but when social obligations pile and bonding time dwindles, both he and I turn toward the grumps. So when Zsolt suggested staying in bed a little longer (because we are on vacation, after all) and just hanging out – something that hasn’t been done in months – and without any obligations to meet or people to host, I thought he had landed on a good idea.

“Let’s stay in bed.”

For various reasons . . . some explainable (hot flashes, worries, concerns) and some unreasonable (hot flashes, worries, concerns) my nerves have been on edge lately.  Any little thing is enough to get me cranky, and poor Zsolt is the receiver of my outbursts. Last Saturday I was ticked-off because Zsolt thought it was a stupid idea to raise my bike seat – here we are in this lakeside village, biking around without a care in the world, and somehow I find a point of irritation: like my Dad says, ‘if there’s a will, there’s a way’. Anyhow, cue my hissy fit over his lack of co-operation, followed by day-long discomfort between the two of us. All over a stupid bike seat.

But what the heck, eh: How can we get through a year of cancer, and still lose our heads over a bike readjustment? Life ought to be in perspective. Except-except-except  that I happen to think the past year of cancer-crap (as many of your can possibly relate) is the bottom line cause of our quiet rumble; it’s an unresolved, heavy strain that rests on both our shoulders.  Never – never ever, ever, ever – would I get so bent out of shape with friends, or co-workers, or even family over a bike seat . . . but Zsolt is my Zsolt, meaning for better and worse, we get the honest raw truth of one another.  And the honest and raw truth is this: cancer has challenged our relationship, and we’re still recovering from that shock.

There are some things I don’t often talk about in my blog, for instance: sex, grudges, and arguments. Doesn’t mean they aren’t vitally important, doesn’t mean they don’t play key roles in my life, doesn’t mean I’m disinterested in the subjects – actually, I’m  a fan of chatting about one’s sex life with the right group of friends, and maybe even (if I can ever get Zsolt to agree) on this blog too one day.

But occasionally, I do allude to the tension. For all the amazing things Zsolt and I have become with each challenge, each move, each triumph and each hurdle,  I’d be a blatant liar to pretend that the past year hasn’t caused a strain in our relationship. Don’t get me wrong – there’s no doubt in my love for Zsolt, or his love for me; he’s my moon and stars and turquoise Mediterranean sea (or my wide, blue Balaton with the grass beaches and shallow water, or my Canadian maple under which I read ) – he’s all those things and more. But it’s just damn hard to go through a year of cancer battling and not have things change, not have that tension. Why? Because it’s traumatic, the pain cuts deeply. We are still Catherine and Zsolt, but now we’re Catherine and Zsolt who have gone through a lot of sh*t together. Innocence to experience a la relationship.

With that being said, I think we need to heal in a way that doesn’t often get mentioned in the how-to cancer booklets. And this morning, when we stayed in bed, was an excellent step toward recovery. We were alone. We were together. We talked about our feelings. It was restorative, and ought to be done more often.

(Maybe doctors should prescribe ‘bonding’ time with their medications. “Take one Tamoxifen a day, and five long hugs in the evening”)

So this morning has been lovely. With Zsolt’s reassurances fresh in my mind (lovely dovey stuff I won’t repeat here, for the sake of his manliness), I’m trying to worry less and relax more often.

And this week is his birthday too. He’s turned 30. Thirty years, and going strong – that’s my man. I love him to bits – bits and pieces and scoops and dollops. Meeting him was the best thing I’ve ever done. Marrying him was the best decision I’ve ever made. Being with him is the best medicine I could ever take. And all the while, he’s just trucking along – being Zsolt. Turning thirty isn’t a bad thing, not in the least. It’s a gift of time and hopefully, hopefully hopefully hopefully, we’ve got plenty of time ahead. Plenty of time, and a many delicious slices of birthday cake too.

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Feeding off that sense of awe: thunder storming

24 Jun

Here we are on the porch in Balaton, sitting underneath the awning and watching the rain. There, on the table, are my indulgences: a cup of steaming tea and an unwrapped bar of dark chocolate (70% coco, if you’re curious). Everywhere – here at the table, there in the garden, beyond through the houses, up in the grey sky, and down along the cloudy water – is a sense of calm and peace and tranquillity. Except for last night.

Last night, after a successful stewing of goulash over the fire pit (and after eating that tasty goulash), a storm kicked up that put me in the mood for some night-time wonder. Zsolt and I (wise or unwise) headed to the lake side and watched the lightening streak across the far off northern shore. And ten meters away, on our southern shoreline, the water crashed into the rocks – while Balaton might be shallow (shallow, but very wide) there’s no way I’d have been enticed into that water.

The storm was, in short, magnificent.

I love to be overpowered by nature, made to feel small – and yet, and yet totally plugged in. Like I took my personal plug and inserted it into the storm’s crazy energy socket. You know what I mean? It’s a feeling of awe and wonder and fascination.  Almost spiritual.

Sometimes it’s good to be reminded that we are small, and the world is big. I cannot exactly say why, but that is my sense. It’s a beautiful thing (and very fitting for the gothic horror novel I’m currently reading, The Woman in White, by Wilkie Collins).

Anyhow, after deciding the storm was a little too intense for safety standards, Zsolt and I retreated from the beach and I scribbled everything down in my journal. Now there’s probably a touch of Mr Collins’ voice in this description (because I absorb other people’s styles like a sponge), but I think it might actually fit the scenario.

Here is the Balaton storm, painted through words and jotted down in my journal, in the epistolary format of Mr Collins.

“We stood at the lakeside as my sweet Balaton turned into a churning mass of storm – wind gusting at near hurricane speeds against our faces (and bodies, and trees, and huts, and shore) as lightening cracked and crawled along the northern shoreline behind the Badacsony hills. Amazing! It’s awesome to witness a developing storm – awesome with the incredible power and force. Loved every second (despite being scared the waves would suck us up into the froth). It was an experience, inside and out. Awesome, absolutely Awesome.

It’s been a long time since I’ve seen a great storm. (blame it on the UK fizz and permanently mild weather)

There’s no particular reason I’m sharing this with you today, except that beautiful things ought to be shared. And last night was truly spectacular.  Sometimes we need to feel small. Sometimes we need to be awed. Sometimes we (I) need to plug into a higher power, whatever that may be.

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Rhythm is a dancer, but it’s not serious like cancer

19 Jun

The voted worst song lyric of all time slapped me in the face yesterday as I danced under the stars in Budapest. There we were in an open-air nightclub on Margaret Island (I was clinging to consciousness, this being my first night out post chemotherapy and it was already ticking past 2 am), Zsolt was pulling his signature ‘I’m pointing my fingers’ dance move, and I was head bopping along when the DJ mixed in Rhythm is a Dancer, by Snap! You know this song? It’s a bit of a classic, and I must have heard/danced to it a hundred times before.  So this gets me excited, because finally here’s a song I recognize and I begin to make attempts at actual dancing (rather than my ‘I’m totally exhausted’ head bopping’) when out comes the line: I’m serious as cancer when I say rhythm is a dancer.

And all head bopping stopped. I was shocked.

Snap!, apparently, is serious as cancer when they say rhythm is a dancer. But really, are they? Well lucky for them to not (at least at the time of lyric writing) have cancer in their lives – that’s great for anyone – because if they did, I’m sure this line would never have made the final edit. Really, you have to assume (you just have to) that the creators of this song look back at this lyric choice and shake their heads with regret. But there it was last night, regret or no regret, shouting over the speaker system and reminding me about something I had really hoped to forget for the evening.

However I’m not writing this post to shame Snap!, because chances are they’ve already been shamed. Nope, I’m writing this because Rhythm is a Dancer is such a well known song – I’ve heard it  many times, and yet last Friday night (aka Saturday morning), was the first time I’ve ever noticed that lyric.

Which goes to show, perspective is all about experience. BC (before cancer) I would never have been so impacted by such a dumb lyric – nope, I would have waved my arms, shook my hips and spun in a circle, and maybe, maybe, registered in the back of my head that I’d heard something strange, but certainly it wouldn’t have winded me, thrown me back, stopped me dead.

I can remember this other time when I was the idiot (cause in fairness to Snap! we all make mistakes – just too bad theirs was cut, produced, and distributed). All throughout my childhood was this expression: “that’s so gay”, i.e. that is stupid.  And my unknowing mouth would pronounce this or that as gay, and my distracted brain would never, ever connect it with the bigger insult (I don’t mean calling someone ‘gay’ as in homosexual is the bigger insult, I mean using the term ‘gay’ as a bad thing is insulting to anyone who is, actually, gay.  Seeing as there’s nothing stupid about homosexuality, heterosexuality or being bi – it’s a true misrepresentation of words.)

ANYHOW – it wasn’t until a summer spent in Jasper, at the too-old-to-know-better age of 20, that I remarked (for the last time) “that’s so gay” and a friend turned to me and said, “Catherine, I expected better of you.”

At which point, I woke up to the absolute rudeness.

Like last Friday night, when I woke up to the world’s worst song lyric and felt disguised, buzz-killed, and angry at the flippant remark. Which makes me think, what else have I allowed to slip past my internal radar of decency? Plenty, I’ll bet.

Rhythm is not serious like cancer. Anyone post diagnosis knows this. Anyone with family who have battled knows this.  Anyone who has helped support others through a whole lotta crap knows this too. Everyone should know this, cancer or not.

But it is a reminder to be aware, and be considerate. Even when spoken with a light heart, there are people who will feel the impact of such ignorant language.

So last Friday I learned a lesson.  And I danced, which – FYI – was really a highlight of the evening. It’s been over a year since I’ve danced all night, and the experience, right until that 2am face slap, was incredible.  I felt young, healthy and totally care-free. From a night out at the restaurant, to walking around the boulevards of Budapest, to finding a giant outdoor club and a spot to dance – it was a wonderful evening. I’m 100% thankful to have made it past last year’s nightmare. Just another reminder that there is another side – the after-side – of treatment, and it was worth the fight to dance again, finally, under the stars.

To read posts-as-they-happen, plus the start of my breast cancer journey, visit me at www.bumpyboobs.com and check me out on twitter.

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Dreaming in colour, or, how I found a non-beige bra

12 Jun

This week on facingcancer.ca there’s the poll question: “What do you think of all the cancer information available online?” And essentially opinions are split 50/50 – helpful, but also, overwhelming. And I agree with this division. BUT (at least in my case, maybe yours too?) the more I’ve situated myself online (e.g. getting cosy on FCT) and the more I’ve connected with real people, the less overwhelming it’s become.  I’ve met many women who are an inspiration, whether they reached out to me, or I to them. And so today, I’m going to share with you three people’s online projects – all created with the wonderful intention to support breast cancer survivors (and have a little fun at the same time).

In today’s post, it’s all about feeling sexy; sexy is self-confidence. And looking beautiful, as you well know , instantly helps in feeling better.  Check out what these online ladies are up to.

Hot shop:

About the Girl – aka At Forty One – has been nominated for “New UK lingerie design 2011” (vote here, if you’d like to help them win). This is a fresh company on the scene and looking for support. I’ll tell you what – their silk bras are gorgeous. I mean, many mastectomy bras offer support and comfort, but these pieces offer style too. From cherry reds, lilac purples and champagne accents, my jaw dropped when I saw Amy’s (the creator) pieces of pretty. “Finally!” I said to myself,  or to the computer screen, depending on how you want to consider the scenario, “something other than beige!”

What also makes About the Girl so wonderfully exciting is that Amy (who has had a mastectomy herself, which was what kick-started her interest in finding better lingerie) actually designs her own bras and – AND – recruits hot bathing suit designers who agree to turn their designer bikinis and full pieces into mastectomy-ready wear (speaking of which, About the Girl has offered a kind 10% off any swimwear purchase made over the next week, so if you want to look pretty (and double breasted) by the pool, stop by and check out her shop. Discount code: BB080611OAS  ).

Being on the internet, About the Girl can ship worldwide – which is why *call out to any 34 AA women near Brighton in the UK* I’ll still keep waiting for their silk bras to be tailored for my small chest, even once arriving in Canada.  If you’re near their shop, At Forty One, and want to lend a hand, they’re looking for a model in that particular size to fit the bra.

Hot cause:

Bras for the Cause – Middle East.

One Wig Stand (who, by the way, oozes with creative bursts of awesome) has teamed up with Fustany to launch this bra design competition in the Middle East. It’s all about awareness, and (hopefully) will have pockets for your falsie of choice.

Good news: the competition is still on if you want to get involved, with voting to take place later this month. It’s a collaboration of designers, fashionistas, and simply anyone with a great idea. How could beautiful bras not result from this competition? (I’m freaking excited to see what get produced from this engaging initiative. What do you get when mixing creative minds with a good cause and a bra template? I don’t know, we’ll see.)

Better news: The bras should be available for international shipping, meaning everyone can look pretty.

I love these sort of things. They build awareness, and improve my wardrobe.  Click here to check this out for yourself.

Hot alternative:

Because sometimes one breast is all you need. Cathie in France has developed a new kind of bra for the beautiful Amazonian women, Souti1. She’s been working hard to make this possible, and the result is a lovely, lacy number that will support your remaining breast (if you had the other one removed). It’s a single cup sensation.  Now, at the moment, her bras are all handmade – so you know the quality is high (which also corresponds to the price). Check it out and see what you think. And keep watching this space, because you never know what may develop in the land of single sided bras.

Cathie was one of the first women I met through the internet. She left a lovely comment on a guest post I’d written, and I was so happy to have her support over the months of recovery and treatment. Even though she’s all the way in Paris – that never hindered her ability to drop a kind word. See, that’s the internet used well.

*

How’s that for a slice of international pie? England, France and the Middle East. And it reflects a worldwide shift in after-surgery lingerie. Mastectomy (bi lateral, lumpectomay, etc) no longer translates into ‘boring, practical, and beige’ (am I harping on the beige too much? Well probably, it is very practical. I just think  if you’re going to offer me a variation between black and white, give me blue, or purple or yellow or – goodness me – pink!). And so, we can feel pretty in our under things as we pose and twirl before our mirrors.

If you know of any more great shops/products/causes that help women feel beautiful within themselves (e.g. look good feel better workshops) please don’t hesitate to let me know.  Here’s a quick list of today’s mentioned sites. Why not treat yourself to some virtual browsing (and maybe some creative thinking for Bras for a Cause)? Can’t hurt, can it?

http://www.aboutthegirl.co.uk/

http://www.fustany.com/brasforacause/index.html

http://www.souti1.com/

Posted in breast cancer, finding support, life after cancer | 2 Comments

The awesome cool super fun photoshoot

5 Jun

Let me catch you up on things. At this very moment I’m in Hungary, having recently left England (my last post was me griping about the lack of internet and inability to handle cute babies, but I’ve overcome both these hurdles  and have now found a reliable internet source, and encountered that same peaches & cream baby without breaking into tears or depression).  Staying with Zsolt’s family. While being in a relationship that requires long distance commitments (long distance birthdays of family members, long distance wishes of “Merry Christmas”, long distance chats with mugs of tea) has its difficulties, there are also perks. Perk – an incredible extended family and an incredible country to explore.

But right before slipping out the door for my road trip to Hungary, I had the pleasure to shoot a portrait with a great photographer in London. This is to accompany an article soon to appear in Glow magazine (autumn issue), and so everything was very professional (and very exciting – though I’m trying to play things cool, it was a fantastic adventure). And since this article features Facing Cancer Together, I figured you might be interested in my day of adventure. So for this week  (as my holiday continues) I’ll give you a flash back post.

And can I also mention that I’m only a few days shy of reaching 1 year post diagnosis? It’s a big deal, though at the moment I’m happily forgetting the anniversary. I’ll try my best to mark the day – because it’s a day to be marked – and then move forward from there. But, until then, I’m still tasting that buzz of last week’s photo shoot. Here’s the story as it happened.

Last Saturday, Zsolt was left to clean the apartment while I escaped to London for a photo shoot. Here is Zsolt: rubber gloves on both hands, Mr Muscle (cleaner) in one fist, rag in the other “There’s so much to do,” he says, correctly. Here is me: Shoes on, jacket wrapped, backpack filled, “See you later” and out the door.

Perhaps it wasn’t the best timing, but it was the only timing possible.  What with this mad week of packing and shipping boxes and cleaning the flat, there was very little choice in terms of ‘waiting for a better time’ for this photo shoot. So, things fell onto last Saturday.

Train. London. Subway. Walking. Arrival. I push through this corner building’s heavy black door and entire a stark white room. This is the reception, it’s huge. In the big white room, there are small white desks, and trendy white computers. To the far, far, far away right is a large entrance to a darker room with music pumping out. It all feels very . . . cool (i.e. hip, fashionable, ‘with it’). Hmm. Suddenly I transform in a large floppy goldfish that has jumped from its tank. Fish outta water.

“Hello” said the receptionist – white blond hair, dark clothes.

“Hi, I’m looking for studio B,” I reply – dark blond hair, green scarf, blue jacket, white shoes, red bag. I’m a freaking rainbow compared to this office/studio/other world).

She directs me to a door across the large, empty reception. I thank her and figure ‘what the hell’, going forward to open the door. On the other side of this door, is another door labelled ‘Studio B’ – so guess what’s behind there?

I open the door to studio B and head down the stairs. There’s more loud music pumping away. I have a slight pause in the hallway that involved me fiddling with my purse, but really I was procrastinating that moment where I’d walk through the final door to studio B and meet whatever was on the other side.

Then I remembered that they were expecting me, and I was meant to be here.

Open the final door.

Music, loud pumping music, and people – all kinds of people scurrying around; everyone looking beautiful, everyone looking busy.

Within seconds I’m noticed and one of the assistants points me out to the photographer, who comes over and welcomes me. Actually, this group of beautiful and busy people were incredibly welcoming. I was given tea, and a place to hang out, and everyone – everyone without fail – introduced themselves. Some of the girls showed me wardrobe choices, guarded the change room (empty room, no door or curtain) while I tried things on, and then I had a lovely chat with the Japanese makeup artist who prepared me for the camera. Apparently the photographer had lined up several jobs at once for that day. I was the last shoot on the list.

Which is why, after the final models had taken their snaps, this entourage of assistants, artists and fashionistas disappeared, leaving me alone in the studio with the photographer for the shoot (Thank freaking goodness, before everyone left there was a small audience watching my test shots, and that was a-w-k-w-a-r-d.). Once things quieted down I really did begin to enjoy myself. The photographer is a fellow Canadian, so and – as Canadians are – was very friendly. We chatted about all kinds of stuff in between photographs, and he taught me this trick for the camera. When someone’s taking your picture and you want to look like you’re laughing, just say “Ha Ha Ha” aloud – and then you’ll actually laugh, because it’s a ridiculous exercise.

During the shoot, he showed me some of the photos, and yes, they look like me. This sounds strange, but they look like I feel I look, so that’ s a good sign (ever have a photo snapped and then checked the reviewed imaged, thinking “ugh – do I really look like that?” Well, no, you don’t. You just look like that when snapped by a camera without saying “Ha Ha Ha” beforehand.) We took three sets of shots: Me in my pretty dress in the studio. Me in my pretty jacket on the roof. Then me back in the studio, sitting on a stool in my pretty jacket/dress. Anyhow, the whole thing was painless.

And then, once the shoot was over, I looked around and thought, “Wow.” Because it’s been a year since that stupid lump in my breast, and if you’d have told me then (or even when the nurse was saying “you’ve got a rough year ahead”) that I’d be at a photo shoot in London one year later –posing for a photo to be run alongside an article I’d written for a national magazine . . . well, I would have pinched myself to wake up.

On Saturday I felt beautiful and  excited. You never know what life has in store – for better or for worse, but when the good moments come along, good moments like last Saturday, it’s certainly worth a pause to remember how sweet life can be.


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Saving my worries for later . . . or right now

2 Jun

So here I am in Brussels struggling with this foreign keyboard. Internet access this week has been nearly impossible – so while I have been having a lovely time, writing is proving very difficult. And with that said, this week’s post will be short and sweet.

In terms of fertility I’ve decided to put off worrying, or at least that was the plan. A friend said to me, “You don’t have to worry about this now, save it for later.” With this summer break planned for Hungary ‘later’ sounds very good. During my treatment days there was no such thing as ‘later’ – it was all now now now – you need to lose the breast NOW, you need to have chemo NOW, you need a blood transfusion NOW. To have the luxury of later is actually rather nice. So I decided on later.

But then I came to Brussels and met a beautiful peaches and cream baby, and found the whole thing intolerable. Normally babies are fine, particularly if they belong to friends. I care for the friend, thus care for their baby. But this little girl – full of sweet giggles and smiles and attempts to walk – I had to leave the room for a secret cry on the fifth floor of this impressive home.

Hmm, so while later is great and will be followed, right now still feels rather raw.

But I’ll follow the little one’s example: one step at a time.

Sooner than later this weird baby aversion will fade (it’d better!)

Right, that is enough for now. This keyboard is too jumbled for my speed-typing tastes. Bye!

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