Do you know what I really, really hate? I really, really HATE cancer.
I HATE it. Today, I hate it more than other days. Sometimes I think, ‘oh, it’s not worth hating cancer because then it wins in the battle over my head-space’. Other days I think, ‘cancer sucks – as in it’s no good, not useful, and I don’t want to hang out with it’s stupid self’. Then there are the days when I’m all hopped up on happy sunshine, and I’m like – ‘well cancer, I don’t like you but you are sure a crazy kinda motivator. Like the personal trainer from hell, pushing me to do what’s most important in my life.’
But today I just hate cancer.
I am SO angry at CURSE-WORD cancer. (but physically I’m fine, so please don’t worry about that.)
Look, I realize that living in a perpetual state of hate is basically living in a perpetual state of harsh chemo treatments – dripping poison into the body with one emotion or thought at a time. I get that. I hope you get that too. Let’s assume we all understand that it’s not good to be stuck in that ‘hate space’.
But there’s also something to be said on the side of honesty, and giving ourselves the chance – on occasion – to really, truly vent the frustration, the sadness, the injustice, the ANGER. And just – for a glorious moment, really hate something.
I hate cancer.
Maybe next week I’ll just think it sucks, and maybe eventually I’ll find some forgiveness – at least forgiveness toward my body. But I can’t forgive cancer for taking away people in the prime of their lives.
Part of me is really torn between sharing this post and bringing people down. I don’t want to bring anyone down – I’d rather this hate/anger, which is admittedly reducing in intensity as I write, was staged on some grand scale like Les Miserables with beautiful actors singing poignant lyrics that are full of sorrow and yet, somehow, full of the rousing sensation of life –leaving the audience on their feet cheering despite the fact that the story truly centres on misery.
But unfortunately, I’m not in the opera biz.
Where am I going here? Only to say that being allowed to hate cancer and get angry and rant has been helpful. It doesn’t solve the problem, but it’s helpful. And while we are all generally trying to move forward with the very best attitude, I think it’s occasionally fine to have a good cry and admit that cancer more than sucks . . . it CURSE-WORD blows, and there are times when I see people suffering that I just hate it.
But sharing really helps. For some reason, some crazy miraculous reason, it really helps. So if you’re suffering – maybe join me in writing an angry rant. (Get even more angry if you like. If this wasn’t such a public page, I’d probably be exploring curse words in a variety of languages and maybe doodling some pictures of stickmen annihilating cancer in various comical ways . .. comical because I can't help getting silly with stickmen.)
Better out than in, eh?
And because I’ve now shared . . . even if the anger still exists . . . I feel less likely to burst apart, and instead I think I can turn this energy into something with more purpose - something that maybe helps another, or let’s them known they’re not alone, which in turn means I am fighting cancer in the best way I know how.
Better out than in.
Now please excuse me, I’m going to go and punch something. Probably the air. And probably in the ladies’ loo because I’m currently in a public space.