So I’m here in Ottawa after the big snow storm of last week, looking out the window and thinking I’m just going to write what’s going on, not construct this post around a particular theme. Stuff has happened the past few weeks. Stuff that isn’t about facing cancer, but rather about facing life – good stuff, hard stuff, get-going kinda stuff.
(The postman has just arrived and I can see him through my window. He has a moustache! Well, some ladies love the lip hair.)
Way back before I was diagnosed, my husband and I were thinking about trying to have kids. (I’ve already gone on about that topic, so no – this isn’t about fertility. Not today at least.) To get ready for this I started writing a novel that looked at life-changing moments during pregnancy for nine generations of women. But then we had to wait on pregnancy after I was diagnosed.
Damn it.
And, as you know might know (?), it can be hard to write during chemotherapy. At least, it’s hard to write about anything else other than the battle. (Of course, I was still writing, but more about Bumpyboobs than the heroic journey.) But I bet you can understand that, because it’s hard to think of anything else during cancer treatment. Cancer & chemo just start doing some obnoxious dance in the middle of your mind – shaking their butts, moon-walking back and forth, doing the twist . . . it’s hard to focus beyond that all-encompassing experience.
But after treatment, I made it my mission to get the groove back and start writing creatively again. It was difficult at times, but I persevered. (With dry spells occasionally, cause I’m human and watch too much television.) So, 2.5 years after starting I’ve finally finished a polished first draft. A draft good enough to send to agents. (Yes! Air Punch!)
You know what I do when writing? It’s not practical, but it is a lot like life; I don’t plan out my story. It just comes, and it twists and turns, and the endings surprise me. The writing is more about the journey. Of course, it’s also about the finished product – but that’s a result of the journey. The characters become more real the more I throw at them. Maybe we’re the same in our non-fiction lives? Maybe we become more real the more life throws at us?
Anyhow, that book is now at the end of its first-draft journey, and I wanted to let you know because this is something that’s totally not about cancer. This is something that cancer tried to stop (or at least, the side-effects and emotional roller coaster made impossible for me, plus the blow of not being able to try to get pregnant and all that other fertility stuff). This story was something that I had to reclaim, reinvent, and came to love even more as a result.
Do you have something like that? A life away from cancer that you’ve had to fight for? Maybe it’s your family, or your passion, or your work . . .
Now I need to find an agent :) That’s the next hurdle.
So that’s been on my mind.
Another thing in facing life, a big thing, is that three weeks ago my husband parted ways with his workplace. It was inevitable. For more about that, you can read my totally fictional fairytale and infer the details for yourself. Anyhow, now we’re reconstructing once again.
It’s okay. While that job wasn’t the right environment for Zsolt, he did gain some awesome patent-related skills. And with a shock like he had, we’re reminded to prioritize our values before all else. It’s not a horrible time whatsoever - it’s exciting and full of potential. For some reason, I’m not worried about his career.
(Of course, I was quietly freaking-out three weeks ago, sick with worry. But then I thought, "Hey, Catherine, you and your man are healthy, warm and fed. YOU GUYS ARE A-OKAY." And he’s out of a bad situation. It’s all good.)
I don’t know how the story ends. God, there have already been happily-ever-afters, unexpected twists, startling revelations, etc. But that’s okay, because that’s part of the experience.
I asked it before, but I’ll ask it again. Was there anything that a cancer-diagnosis pulled you away from in your life? Do you think you’ll return to that passion/love/hobby/job, or move on to another pasture? I would LOVE to hear your stories, so please don’t be shy to share.
Till next time :)
Catherine
**OH and best of luck to our fellow Facing Cancer Together ladies, Terri, Katie and Alex. They are off to India to volunteer for Terri's foundation, A Fresh Chapter Alliance, and have a life-enhancing adventure. I cannot wait to read those posts!
dear catherine,
your 1st draft is finished – YAY! i am excited and so thrilled for you. hope you find an awesome – perfect fit person who will love your work and fast-track you right to best-seller status. fingers crossed! keep us posted, please.
and i am so glad you’ve been able to take the high road with the change in your hubby’s job status, having such a great attitude that there’s opportunity and possibilities that you both will be happier with. i bet he feels so much more confident and very grateful to have you by his side.
i am a painter, and i approach my work in exactly the way you do with writing – i never plan it. it’s the PROCESS that i am so in ,love with. and i love every finished painting like my own child. i can’t even describe where i go and who i am when i am painting – probably it’s much the same as your writing. but since my husband was dx’d with cancer in 2009, then me with BC in 2011, i haven’t picked up a brush. i keep promising myself, i’ll do it, i’ll do it…i’ve wondered what’s holding me back. i think it
might be the fear that i might not be able to lose myself in total bliss like i used to. but catherine, thanks to this incredible post of yours, i realize i can’t let fear hold me back. I’M GOING TO DO IT AND KICK CANCER’S BIG FAT ASS, enjoy the anticipation of setting up the easel and paints and just have at it.
girl, you da bomb! thank you so much – i can’t wait to tell my husband i’ve got my mojo back to paint – he’ll be soooo happy for me.
love, xoxo
karen, TC
Karen – your comment has me teary-eyed and so happy for you. Go and set up that easel, make your arm and your body start moving, and paint onto that canvas. No matter what the results, you’ll be tapping into something you love. And I bet the more you do this, the easier it will become to reconnect with getting lost in the project. Who knows, after all you’ve been through there maybe some big ideas waiting for expression.
Please let me know how it goes – here or in the forum or by message.
Good luck and happy painting!!!
THANK YOU for your message.
Catherine –
Congrats on finishing your first draft! It is so wonderful to have something that you love to do. I hope you find a publisher that is a perfect fit for you. I have a couple of friends that have published through Astrea (I think that is right) so you might want to try them.
I returned to teaching on-campus just yesterday, and that felt like such a big deal because it had been 7-8 months since I’d taught in person. I am a musician, and I haven’t played my primary instrument, clarinet, since beginning chemo. I was worried about the reed/instrument storing germs, and my counts went so low so many times that I decided not to risk it. I plan to begin playing again today in part b/c I need to be able to play to take back over my other on-campus class, but I also just miss that part of me. I’m looking forward to taking back that part of myself and moving the cancer patient identity a little further away. Thanks for the writing that you do as this was the perfect topic for me to see today
Nancy
Nancy, thank you for sharing about going back to work and playing the clarinet. I like how you phrased the experience of “taking back that part of myself and moving the cancer patient identity a little further away.” That’s exactly what it is, isn’t it?
Have you been playing the clarinet since your comment, what’s it like to start playing again? Oh, and how do you find going back to work? I’m curious about many things. Maybe we should move this to the forum for a ‘creativity & life that isn’t cancer’ chat. (They’re my favourite sort of topics)
dear catherine,
I DID IT! I PAINTED, and i loved it and felt so into my old “zone” of blissful, exciting creativity. and i ADORE the painting. all the while i thought of how you gave me the encouragement and incentive to not allow cancer to take it away, and i thanked you in my heart for that. now i wish i could show it to you, but haven’t a clue of how to do it. will have to snag my tech guy (son) to help me.
love and much gratitude, xoxo,
karen, TC
Hi Karen,
I’m going to send you a direct message through FCT early this week. Please do keep an eye out
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