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Whoa! Bummer birthmark dude.

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Started 3 months ago by riding shotgun
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riding shotgun
Member

Several years ago I remember seeing a cartoon by Far Side artist Gary Larson. It portrayed a few deer in the forest. One of the deer had on its side a very well-defined target. His friend commented, "Whoa! Bummer birthmark dude."

In late October I was sitting in my car awaiting my son's release from his Montessori school. He's four. My phone rang. It was my wife's doctor. She advised me that my wife had breast cancer. Yup. That's how I found out. Moments later my little boy comes bounding up to the car to regale me with his tales of school. Meanwhile I'm reeling.

That was when the first memory of the Far Side cartoon came to me. Since then I've come to identify with that unfortunate deer. Even my own doctor advised me that for the foreseeable future I shall wear that big target on my back as my dear wife tackles her arduous trek along the cancer path.

So why write this?

Quite simply I don't know what to do and am hopeful that someone out there will be able to give me a little advice about how to best support the woman who is the single most important person in my life. I have accompanied her to every single consult and procedure and will continue to do so. I try to empathize. When confronted with "you don't have cancer you'll never understand" I agree and ask her to teach me.

I wish nothing more than I could make all of this go away. I can't. I know that. My Mom died of cancer when I was 14 so I have some familiarity with this horrid slog through disease. My sister died of cancer just a few years ago so my familiarity is pretty much up to date.

Just wondering if there's someone out there who might have an observation on how I can be a real, genuine support for my wife.

It was with real hesitation that I wrote this as it kind of sounds like whining. That is not my motivation. I don't expect relief from the anger, from the outrage, from the overwhelming fear that can take you in its gaping maw and never ever let go. I just wonder if there is anyone who has ridden shotgun on this rapaciously plundering pilgrimage who can steer me in a helpful direction.

Many thanks.

Posted 3 months ago #
lovely_lady_lumps
Member

1. I think it is extremely brave and admirable of you to write this message and in no way did you sound like you were whining.

2. I can't say that I know how you feel because I was the one with cancer not the caregiver. I can do my best to try to help though.

When you're wife says things like 'you don't have cancer you'll never understand' I think that comes out of frustration not necessarily expectation. No matter how much I explain what it is like to have cancer, there is no way for someone who has never been there to feel it.

I can only imagine how helpless you feel, how much you want to take it all away, but as you said, you can't. So, you need to be there and let her know that you are going to be there today, tomorrow, next week, next year and in 20 years. When she's talking about being scared, let her be scared don't try to fix it, when she's sad, let her be sad, don't try to cheer her up. Sometimes men want to fix everything and cancer isn't something that can be fixed - sometimes instead of fixing it, we want you to just listen.

So, I read what I have written to my boyfriend (we have been together 5 years and he was by my side, like you are to your wife, every step of the way). He agreed with what I had written and said the one thing that I should pass on is to tell you that you should try to find support for your wife. In other words, try to find someone who has been there who CAN relate to her, who has had cancer, and who can compare stories, or provide her with some comfort. Now, assuming that your wife is in her 30s or early 40s (assuming this based on your 4 year old son), has she heard of rethinkbreastcancer.ca? It's essential for young women facing breast cancer. Also, depending on where you live, I might be able to suggest some other resources.

Lastly, I think it's important to not forget about yourself. Although she is the one who is taking the brunt of the cancer, you are dealing with a diagnosis of your own. There are support groups for caregivers, and resources too - are you in Canada, if so, what province?

If you have any questions, no matter how big or small, please feel free to write them on here or private message me, between my boyfriend and I, we will do our best to answer them. Know that you're not alone.

Posted 3 months ago #
lovely_lady_lumps
Member

I found that Twitter is also very supportive and someone who I follow who is really supportive of caregivers has a website http://robcares.com/. He has links, resources and support for caregivers of cancer patients. Hope this helps,

Katie

Posted 3 months ago #
riding shotgun
Member

Thanks for this. My wife is 37. We live in Oakville, ON. We've both been reading voraciously about this including many of the relevant websites. Frankly, we've probably read to much! The support group notion is not something that sits well with us as the little exposure we've had has exposed us to, not to put too fine a point on it, a bunch of old, whiny ladies. I found your site and it sincerely is about the first one that seems to speak to where our heads are at and your response has pretty much validated that. I'll check out robcares.com for sure. Thanks again.
BTW: I am a writer and find that writing about this very helpful. I set up a group of about 120 friends designated Katie's Karma Corps and send them regular updates. The support and encouragement we've received from people all over the world has been remarkable and it has made more difference than anything. Also, my wife's best friend, Alex, who lives in the South of England decided to shave her head thereby supporting Katie and raising money for UK cancer research. She's already hit about $3000 and the event happens Jan. 25 I think. Isn't that pretty incredible?

Posted 3 months ago #
rocketship
Member

Hugsss for your wife & you!!
I think that lovely_lady_ lumps have made excellent suggestions!
The support group that I found was very up-beat so I guess that they're all different....although the one at the cancer centre was a mixed group and much as you describe.
I had to google to find an outside breast cancer support group which had a variety of ages, treatment stages, as well as those who who have been cancer free for a number of years.
There may be times when you each need space, especially if you're both trying to be brave for the other....so some separate counselling might give you both the opportunity to break down and give way to your panic.
One of the most amazing aspects is the wonderful, supportive people I've met along the way.

Posted 3 months ago #
lovely_lady_lumps
Member

Ok, so I was diagnosed in March at the age of 26 and the thought of support groups never appealed to me, for a number of reasons, but primarily because I was always the youngest by at least 15 years and I was tired of the generic 'but you're so young' comment.

Rethink Breast Cancer is an amazing group that recognizes that breast cancer happens to young women and they provide support (not support groups) to young women like your wife. Next Sunday night, the 29th, there is a 'Live Laugh Learn' night (http://rethinkbreastcancer.com/support-programs/live-laugh-learn-ontario/) downtown Toronto. It's a night to connect with other women who are in their 20s and 30s and who understand that breast cancer is different depending on your stage of life. There is no 'and how does that make you feel?' but instead a lot of comradery. I really urge your wife to connect with Rethink.

Here are a few other resources that I think are notable -

http://www.lgfb.ca -Look Good Feel Better - A 2 hour workshop that is supportive, informative, and full of easy and inspiring strategies for managing the appearance-related effects of cancer and its treatment. Participants feel empowered and ready to reclaim their sense of self and well-being. They also learn that they are not alone on their cancer journey. As I have said, it was the first time I had eyebrows in months thanks to the easy-to-follow tips on how to draw them on. My brother could have sworn that I grew them overnight, that's how natural they looked.

http://cottagedreams.org/
Cottage Dreams Cancer Recovery Initiative is a registered charity that offers recent cancer survivors the opportunity to spend a week at a private, donated cottage to reconnect and rejuvenate with family and friends after successfully completing treatment. It's Ontario based. Cool, eh?

talkabouthealth.com
This is a great forum for anyone facing cancer (either as the patient, caregiver, spouse, etc.). You can ask any cancer related questions and this website is set up to have the most qualified member of the website answer that question. From their website, 'We are a welcoming and caring community that has come together to meet, share, and learn with each other. We welcome patients, families, caregivers, survivors, professionals, and organizations. All members are encouraged to share their unique knowledge and experiences. The more we share, the more people we help.'

All of the info out there can be so overwhelming so if I can help narrow anything down, please let me know.

Good luck,

Katie

Posted 3 months ago #
riding shotgun
Member

Thanks for this Katie.
I'm having an astral moment...my wife's name is also Katie. She's a Katelyn. You?

Posted 3 months ago #
lovely_lady_lumps
Member

I'm a Katherine. People assume I'm a Katelyn but I'm just a Katherine.

I just went to a Rethink event tonight and it was fantastic. I certainly spend a lot of time laughing and talking at Rethink's events so please encourage your wife to check them out.

Let me know if you need anything...

Katie

Posted 3 months ago #
bumpyboobs
Member

Hi,

Well Katie has given such a good response, I’m not sure there’s much to add. I understand your reluctance toward support groups. When first diagnosed that didn’t suit me either. Though Rethink really is helpful for women diagnosed, and if you live in Toronto they have a program that guides the whole family through what it means to be sick and how to navigate the process of getting better.

Anyhow, my husband was so overwhelmed by what happened, but nevertheless he WAS my rock, even during our mutual confusion. I could make you a list of what he did depending on the treatment and my mood (sometimes it was just letting me cry on his lap) . . . but it’s a lot easier to sum things up by saying that he did his best. Cleaning, cooking, teas brought to my bed, and taking over responsibilities when I was simply too exhausted. If you keep giving her your love, your support, and your best efforts . . . then you are doing an amazing job.

Once I went into a rage at my husband for not asking if I wanted a cup of tea. The chemotherapy basically sent my moods spinning each treatment, and there were times I didn’t realize how ridiculous my behaviour really was. He stuck it out, withstood the mood swings, and frankly, he’s my hero for standing by me.

If you have any questions for specific ways to help during treatments (I guess my ideas vary depending on what treatment she’s having. For instance, if there’s surgery she’ll need someone to do exercises with, etc.) just feel free to ask. I’ve been through the mastectomy, chemo, radio . . . now hormone therapy and eventually I’ll navigate fertility stuff.

Good luck.

Posted 3 months ago #
riding shotgun
Member

You all are so great. Thanks for the advice and encouragement.

Posted 3 months ago #

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