This is a blog post I put on my personal blog in September of 2011.
My birthday is Saturday.
This will be my second birthday without TJ. The fact that I will be celebrating my birthday without TJ doesn't bother me as much as the fact that I take note that it is my second birthday without TJ. When will this counting stop! Every major and even minor holiday I think of TJ and how many he has not been here for. This is common among widows/widowers. We even have a made up name for some of the more specific dates, "sadiversary". I really don't want to think like that....always counting. Who wants to celebrate a sadiversary? I don't and frankly I am quite tired of them.
When TJ died I never questioned whether or not I "could do this". The question I asked myself was "Do I want to do this?" From the very beginning I said "Yes!" Not only can I do it, but I want to do it well. In good times we all grow and thrive, it is not until things get tough that we truly learn what we have inside of us. TJ's death is a part of my life now. It is but a single chapter in my life. My life that is composed of many, many chapters. Many past chapters and many more to come. We never stay the same person, we change as we grow older and it is the things that happen to us that make up the story of our life. In my years with TJ he made me a better woman. When I am sad or unsure, I simply see myself through TJ's eyes. In his eyes I can do anything.
TJ and I had a plan. I don't have a plan. TJ's death left me at a fork in the road, not knowing which path to take. I am still standing at the fork weighing all my options. I try to not spend too much time worrying about which fork to travel because I am afraid of missing happy times. So, here I stand, not moving forward. I am stagnant. There are no ripples in my pond of life, just stagnant water. Stagnant water stinks and being stuck at this fork is getting old...just like counting the sadiversaries. Alone or not I must walk ahead.
My birthday present to myself is to choose a path, to set some goals, to make some plans. Nobody is going to do it for me; they can't. This is going to be a very difficult task because when I think of life goals I only think of the goals we had. Some may still be obtainable, albeit alone. Others though are dead, they died right along side TJ. Our dreams and goals are no longer achievable. I have to focus on my dreams and goals. Dreams and goals that I can achieve on my own. They must be mine and all mine.