I am a proud mom.  I admit I think my kids are likely the most amazing kids in the world, but I am sure I am biased a bit:-)

And, my kids have been so good through this whole experience – from the day they found out I had breast cancer, through the surgery and still today.  It is a lot for a kid to deal with – especially 2 little girls who were only 8 and 6 when I was diagnosed.

But, my youngest has been growing her hair out to donate to someone with cancer.  She always wanted me to have her hair when I was losing mine to chemo, but that obviously wasn’t an option.  So, she has been growing her hair to do the next best thing she could – and that is donate it for another mom somewhere out there who is going through the same thing her mom did.

I have posted some pictures on my site, which you can see in this post:  Selfless Act By a 7-year Old – My Proud Mom Moment

But, I will include the picture here of the note she wrote to go with her donated hair:

"for someone else's mom"

I think she is a pretty amazing kid – I know lots of kids out there who donate their hair for cancer wigs, and I think they are all amazing.

Because at a time when you are feeling so low, something as simple as having hair to put on and help you see how beautiful you still are, can make all the difference in the world.

So – thank you to Amy for donating your hair.  And, thank you to all kids out there who do it every day so those of us with cancer can have something to give us just a bit more strength and hope:-)

I just got home from my second infusion of Herceptin.  Pretty much the same drill as when getting my chemo – except doesn’t take quite as long.  The only thing is, the doctor comes in between 8 and 9 to see his patients, and since I am about a 20 minute drive away, I have to leave around 7:30 in the morning.  (I have to leave time to stop at Tim Horton’s for a coffee!)  Then it takes 90 minutes to administer the treatment, and since it is just my second round, I had to stay and be monitored for a half an hour after.

Anyway!  As I had posted before, the past few days haven’t been great for me.  Not feeling that good – thinking that I might have picked the flu up maybe – and just having to deal with the “down” days.  Today when I got home and went onto Facebook, a friend of mine had posted something that I desperately needed even without knowing it.

Go and watch this video by Martina McBride:

I\’m Gonna Love You Through It

I honestly just sat here bawling my eyes out after listening to it.

She had wrote that she was sending it out to me and some other people she knew who were battling cancer, and something so wonderful as that can be just the pick me up you need when you feel like everything is starting to weigh you down.

It is hard to stay positive all the time – but when you realize that you do have friends and family who are fighting along beside you, sometimes the burden lifts a bit.

My friends and family have been awesome through all of this.  There hasn’t been a time that I have ever needed anything that someone didn’t step right up to help me.

They have all offered me so much support and encouragement that sometimes it is hard to even think about without tearing up over how lucky I am.

So I know I have said it before, but thank you to all of you who have helped me through so much over these past few months.  And, I hope that I can do the same for the many other people out there who are dealing with the same thing.

I’m going to go watch it again and maybe cry a little bit more……..sometimes that’s all we need to get it “out of our systems” so we can get back into the ring for another round:-)

**And, if you would like to see how I can manage to take something like cancer and relate it to a flock of geese, make sure you read my post at What I Have Learned From Cancer & Geese

You might just be surprised……

Sometimes we will find that we go through days that just seem a bit more difficult than others.  And while I know I personally try my best to stay as positive as possible – and keep my thoughts as upbeat as possible – some days it just doesn’t work.

I have been feeling that way a bit the past few days.  I have been dealing with cancer a bit more than I could have ever wanted to the past couple of weeks – which I explain more at http://hopewearspink.com/dealing-with-death-when-facing-your-own-struggles/

A lady who had been diagnosed with cancer (although she had lung cancer, not breast cancer…) at the same time as me, passed away last week.  And, a few days later, I found out that my neighbor has terminal cancer as well.

Then, just to make sure I get a good dose of the reality of cancer, my sister-in-law’s mom has been told her cancer has returned and spread into her brain.

These are the kind of times that I have the hardest time keeping my positive thoughts at the front of my mind – unfortunately, watching the struggles of others is magnified even more when dealing with it looking you in the face every single day.

I get all kinds of emotions…..anger, fear, even guilt.  I mean, why am I still feeling OK?  Why do some people not even get the chance to try fighting?

And, dealing with it is just so hard.  I try not to let it get to me, but sometimes there is just no way to stop the thoughts that sneak in…..then every little ache or pain becomes even worse.

Learning to cope with it is something we have to do, because if we are prepared to fight through breast cancer and survive, then we are going to have times that we have to deal with others around us losing the battle.  I don’t imagine it will ever be easy, but I sure hope it gets a bit less “raw”.

On another note, I have been working hard at putting together some designs at Cafepress and Zazzle.  You can get some great merchandise like t-shirts, hats, bags, phone covers, coffee mugs…and tons more stuff – all with the design that you want.

I wanted to try making some money to put towards my fundraising events I take part in – the Relay for Life and the CIBC Run for the Cure.

So, I thought I’d try my hand at designing some breast cancer merchandise – you can see what I have come up with so far at My Cafepress Shop and My Zazzle Shop (Same designs – just some different product choices and prices)

I don’t imagine I’ll make my millions with them, but they were kind of fun to work on – and I am going to take 10% of everything to put into donations for my fundraisers.  Hopefully I can make a bit of a contribution:-) The rest I hope to use to pay off some of the debt we have managed to accumulate while going through all of this……

I am hoping for a better week – I am going to do my best to keep focused on my own journey and try not to dwell on what is happening with others.  I know it won’t be easy, but I know what I have to do to keep myself feeling positive.

I posted this to my main blog (Hope Wears Pink), but wanted to post it here too.  I had my last chemo a couple of weeks ago, and decided to take my kids with me.  Some people think it is strange that I would take my kids with me to something like that – but I really believe it has helped them to understand and not feel so much fear and uncertainty about everything.  Anyway – here is the post:

Morgan taking some pictures of me at my last chemo

So, I haven’t posted for awhile – I had a wonderful Christmas and New Year’s with family and friends, had my last chemo, and spent a great holiday with my kids.  Everyone has been back to school and it seems as though there has been a million things going on every day!

My last chemo treatment couldn’t have happened at a better time actually.  Since the girls were still on Christmas break, they were able to come with me for my last treatment.  I know some people might think that isn’t something they would want to take their kids to – but my kids wanted the chance to see what it was all about.

I have tried to keep my kids involved with what is going on since the day I told them I had breast cancer. I admit that I did wait about a month and a half to tell them my diagnosis.  I found out just before school let out for summer holidays, and I wanted to let them have at least some time to be kids and have fun over the summer before they were faced with dealing with all the other stuff.

They came to spend time with me right after my mastectomy.  I had to stay in a hotel for a week to be close to my doctor’s – and since we live 2 hours away, coming straight home wasn’t an option.  They helped me pick out my wig.  They helped me cut my hair off before it fell out.  I have tried to keep them involved as much as I felt was necessary so that they wouldn’t be worrying that things were even worse.

I know how kids are.  They tend to make things up in their heads which are even worse than what is really happening if they feel something is being kept from them.  And I know that my kids are worriers – that is just the way they are.  So, by keeping them involved, I have been able to monitor how much they know and let them feel that they have some control.

So – when they were going to be home for my last chemo, they wanted to come.  And, because I have to continue going to the same place for the next year to receive my Herceptin treatments, I thought it was a good idea to let them see where I will be.

We actually ended up having a great time – as great as you can have when hooked up to an IV pole and stuck sitting around for about 4 hours!

We played some games, they read – then my brother showed up and played some more games with us.  I am sure the nurses at the chemo unit must think my family is a little crazy…..turning a chemo treatment into what could only be called a small party!

Then, we all went out for lunch and the girls and I came home, packed our bags, and went out to my mom and dad’s for a sleepover.  I knew that the day after my chemo is usually my worst day, when I am feeling pretty rotten and not wanting to do much, so we went out there so that they could play and do whatever they wanted while I just laid around.

It was so nice to be able to just let my parent’s look after the girls.  They played and had so much fun – and both my brother’s and sister-in-law’s came to visit – bringing my baby niece and nephew to see me.  Having everyone around took so much pressure off me – and in the end helped me to actually not feel that bad the next day.

Now, I am waiting to see my oncologist on the 31st to plan the next stage.  I guess we will go over my hormone treatment plan, and hopefully get some kind of a scan to see where I am at.  It feels a bit scary to be at this point – but I know I still have a year of treatments with Herceptin, plus some more plastic surgery to go through – so I am not at the finish line yet.  (If there ever will be a finish line in this whole mess!!)

But, at least I know that I can start getting some sort of normal back to my life.  No waiting for a major surgery to disrupt weeks of my life, no waiting for chemo treatments which I know will affect even more weeks out of my life.  The rest of what I will go through is minor compared to what the last few months have been.

So, keeping my fingers crossed that the months ahead will bring me even a little bit closer to some kind of “normal”!

I have always been one of those people who get super excited about Christmas.  In fact, my mom tells me, (although I don’t really remember this myself…..), that I used to make myself sick every year just before Christmas because I was so excited about it coming up.

The past few years I have likely been even more excited than when I was a kid – if that is possible.  Getting everything ready and then watching the girls getting excited is just so much fun!  Writing our Santa letters, leaving the milk and cookies out, tracking Santa on Norad Christmas Eve…..not to mention watching them get up in the morning and opening their presents!

This year is going to be even more exciting – just when I think it couldn’t possibly be more fun.  As with everything these past few months, this holiday is going to be magnified 100x in my heart.  I have so much to be grateful for, and I plan on enjoying every moment.

I have a new niece and nephew this year who will be celebrating their first Christmas.  I have my girls who have had a rough past few months who will get to have some fun – and hopefully not have any of the worries they have had over the last weeks.  I will be able to enjoy Christmas day and the rest of their winter holiday at  home – my next chemo treatment isn’t scheduled until January 4th.  Since my worst chemo days are the day after and lasting for about 3 or 4 days, I am past the worst – and will be feeling OK for Christmas.

It can sometimes be so easy to dwell on the sad things, or the worst during Christmas – but I am not going to let that happen.  This will be the first Christmas in 40 years without my Grandma Boyd.  And that is hard.  She passed away in April and I miss her every day.  And there are always the money worries that come along with all of the Christmas shopping and extra expenses – especially during a year that has already had a great deal of financial strain.

And of course, I could be dwelling on the unfairness of all of the cancer “stuff” that has happened this past year.

But, I don’t want to think about the sad things.  I want to think about right now – and the happy things I have in my life.  Christmas means different things to everyone – some people celebrate it, and some see it as just another day.  For many people, it is a difficult day that is hard to even get through.

To me, it is about family, friends and taking the time to enjoy what you have – no matter how big or small it may be.

This year, I have a lot to celebrate – and I plan on enjoying every single moment.  And I hope that everyone reading this can do the same.  So, for anyone who is reading – have a Merry Christmas and I am hoping for nothing but good things for everyone in the year ahead.

Christmas morning last year...."pre-cancer"

As Christmas approaches, I have been doing a lot of reflecting – and one thing that I find myself doing is thinking about my “pre-cancer” life.  I think about last Christmas, and how I was worrying about the little things, never once realizing how different things would be next year.

I have done that quite a bit actually over the past few months.  Every time I look at a picture from “before”, I think about how different things are now.  How I wish I could go back and never have even heard those words….”you have breast cancer”.  But, that can’t ever happen – so when I look at the pictures or think about times from before my diagnosis, I realize how life won’t ever be the same.

It’s funny how now my life is thought of as “pre-cancer” and simply “now”.  Sometimes I look at a picture from before and feel sorry for the woman I see in the picture because I know that everything is about to change for her.  I know it is strange – but I almost see myself as someone else in those pictures.

I don’t want to let the cancer diagnosis define me though.  I know that once I am finished with my treatments, and I have some time to adjust to life after cancer, that I will likely have another stage added to my life….”post cancer” or something like that.  And, that is just how it is going to be – so every time I think of an event, or see a picture, I will most likely put it into the proper stage of my life.  That picture from the summer that I was diagnosed, or that wedding I went to – was that before I was diagnosed or after?

Something as big as cancer makes an impact on the rest of your life.  And, while we can do everything we can to move forward, what has happened can’t be undone.  Most of us will be changed in some way or another.  We will look at things differently, feel things more deeply.  And every event in our life, no matter how big or small, will be put into the proper stage of our lives in our minds.

What we need to try remembering though, is to appreciate the “now” – no matter which stage of life it is.  We can look back and remember our “pre-cancer” life, but we need to make the best of every “now”.  Maybe it was simpler before, maybe we long for the days when this big, giant word “cancer” wasn’t hanging over our heads.

But – the best way to move forward is to just make every “now” more awesome than before.  And someday, we can think back to these “nows” and realize that they were pretty great too.  Cancer doesn’t need to define how we live now – we just need to enjoy every moment as we move into our life after cancer.

I know that for me, this Christmas is going to be special.  It will be the Christmas I appreciate more than any other – the time with my family, watching my girls open their presents – everything will be enjoyed and savoured with every fiber of my being.  It will forever be the Christmas the year I was diagnosed.

Every year after this will be just as special though.  Because now I have a real appreciation for what it means to enjoy every moment – something that maybe the “pre-cancer” me might not have been able to fully understand.  And it is something that any of us who are moving past the cancer diagnosis understand in everything we do, every single day.