I remember when I had just finished treatment, people would ask, 'So, when are you going back to work?'. I think those who have never had cancer assumed that I would be back a few weeks after my last treatment while those who have had cancer kept saying to me 'Don't go back too soon. I went back too soon and I regretted it.' It ended up that one year was the right amount of time for me.
I remember asking my oncology surgeon how long I would need to be off from work (expecting her to say three or four months) and when she said it would be about a year, I was in shock. I can't take a year off work! I can't afford to take a year off work! Who is going to cover me? How am I supposed to keep my student loan payment schedule? I can't substitute a full time, paying job with cancer, I'll go crazy. And eventually, I slowly realized that I had to become the priority, not my job, not my employer, not my student loans but my health, it needs to be the priority. And while I was off, although I felt some guilt, I did learn that the time I was taking was to heal and it was necessary not optional.
My decision to go back was an easy one. I felt ready, I needed a routine again that didn't involve chemo or hospitals or needles. I needed to be needed again - a feeling that I missed ever since I was diagnosed. So, a year after I left, I went back to my job. I started with 20 hours a week and increased five hours a week until I was full time again. As I gradually started back, it was easy to distinguish between who I was as a person and what I do as a job. Before cancer, I worked a lot, usually about 45-50 hours a week, and although I was often too tired to go out after work, and many times vegging on the couch was what I did most week nights, I liked working. After I went back to work this past March, I vowed that I would never let myself get like that again. I know how precious life can be, I know how important relationships are and how unimportant 'stuff' is and no matter how much money you make, it will never be enough.
I've now been back to work now for three months. I love having a routine, I certainly don't think I went back too early, and I feel like I'm being depended on - all aspects of work that I really missed while I was off. But sometimes I struggle with being a full time employee and a full time cancer survivor. Although for everyone 'else' cancer is over, for me it's just beginning. This is the best way I know how to describe it - when I was first diagnosed, I was numb and while everyone around me was 'freaking out', I was able to ground myself, look at what had to be done and do it. While everyone else was trying to process what was going on, I was in fight or flight mode. I didn't have a chance to process what was happening to me. While I was in chemo, I felt like saying 'Well, yes, I am 'technically' in chemo, but it's just a precaution' because for me, I treated it like it wasn't that serious, I guess it was a coping mechanism. Then, when treatment ended and everyone else took a huge sigh of relief, I looked back at the passed six months and thought 'Holy shit! I just had cancer.' Now while everyone else is moving on, I feel like I am just starting to deal with it now. I am not faced with nearly as many physical challenges now as I was and now I am dealing with the emotional challenges that got pushed to the side while I was dealing with the vomiting, the bone pain, the PICC line, the hair loss, the no-boob and so on and so on. Like I said, I find it exhausting to be both a full time employee and a full time cancer survivor (not to mention the chemo-recovery fatigue and the Tamoxifen fatigue).
I'm writing this blog entry today to say that I feel like I have failed at being the 'good cancer survivor' that I set out to be. This week I am working a seven day week. I swore that I would never do that to myself again and here I am, in that situation. Why is it that when we're in the thick of things, we're surrounded by clarity but when we're in a less chaotic, more routine-like way of life, we forget to stop and smell the roses. I've broken so many promises to myself now that I'm 'better' and I know in the long run that I will be the one who pays for it. I like my job and I have great co-workers but I have turned into the person that I promised myself that I wouldn't. For what? Money? And, I think I can speak for many survivors when I say, after having cancer, you feel an obligation to give back and to make a difference for the next person who is about to face what you faced. I want to come home from work feeling like I've helped someone get through a rough cancer day. I want to work in the cancer field helping people. Now, all of a sudden, my current job doesn't seem as fulfilling as it did pre-cancer.
I'm not trying to imply that I think everyone should quit their jobs and live on love but there needs to be a balance between who you are and what you do. I need to worry about me as much as I worry about money and student loans and car payment. I need to do something that makes me happy. When is the last time you asked yourself that? Instead of doing what is expected of me or what I'm supposed to do or what I have to do, what could I do that makes me happy? It's so easy to get caught up in our day to day lives, that we end up letting our life pass us by. I mean, it's already July! Didn't we just ring in the New Year? I feel like I'm watching my life pass me by instead of living it. We only get one crack at this whole life thing and mine was almost taken from me last year. I know better than to let my life control me instead of the other way around.
Ah, Katie – I can identify with so much of what you’ve written here. I was also off work for about a year, and found that to be a good length of time. I found it good to go back, particularly because of the distraction it provided – like you, I found the transition into the post-treatment phase very psychologically difficult and it was good to have a limit placed on my ‘brooding’ time. I have also felt like a failure for having fallen back into bad habits when cancer is supposed to have turned me into a ‘better’ person!! My husband tries to tell me that I’m being too hard on myself when I talk about this, but I don’t listen…reading your post, though, I want to tell you that you’re being too hard on yourself!! Hopefully we will both make changes for the better as we work through this difficult period, but perhaps we should both resolve to be more patient with ourselves! All the best – I enjoyed finding your blog…
Liz
Liz,
Your message speaks volume. I do appreciate you saying that I’m being too hard on myself, sometimes I need to hear that to feel less guilty (your husband sounds like a very smart man).
I do love the distraction of work but because I’m back into the swing of things, I wonder if this is it for me? Am I destined to spend my life in an office while people continue to suffer from cancer? I just don’t feel like I am contributing the way I should be, knowing what needs to be done. Is this sounding too puppy dogs and rainbows and lollipops?
Anyway, I am feeling this ‘better’ person pressure that evidently, you understand and I am trying to cope with it the best way I know how. Thank you for your ‘me too’/'I get it’ message, it really does help.
Stay in touch,
Katie
Katie,
I am so happy that I found your blog. I can relate to so much that you say on here. I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer a few weeks before my 27th birthday. I had to undergo extensive surgery which included a total hysterectomy. Since I did not need chemo and was declared N.E.D., I went back to work after two months. I actually started back the beginning of the month. It does feel weird and I also feel like I am being a “bad” cancer patient. I made these resolutions but have not kept all of them. But it is important to cope with what has happened to you.
I also wonder if I am destined for something else too besides being a designer. Now that I lived through cancer, I want to advocate and spread awareness more than ever now. I get it. I get wanting more out of life than your regular job. There needs to be a balance but when you are working so much that is hard to achieve.
Again, I am so happy that I found your blog.
Best,
Nadia
Nadia,
Your message means so much to me. Your three word sentence ‘I get it’ really sticks out for me. I really appreciate you validating my feelings with ‘I get it’.
Isn’t amazing that we can feel guilty because of cancer? Like you said, I too feel like a bad cancer patient. We only have one life and I feel an obligation to live it ‘right’ whatever that may be.
Thank you for taking the time to connect with me. I am sorry that you’re part of the ‘cancer club’ but I am glad to know that you are out there and please know that I am always up for a chat or a vent session or whatever.
I’m sorry to read you’re feeling this way, Katie. Maybe it’s time to revisit the plan, although of course that’s far easier said than done. A big problem, it seems to me, is finding the energy for all that life-changing stuff.
But it must be possible.
One thing for sure you can be proud of is the impact you’ve had on so many people’s lives. Blogging and sharing your story is a good step in the right direction. I wonder what else you could do now to make the impact even bigger? (If that’s what you want to do)
Thanks Catherine!
I can’t help but thinking that I was meant to do more but like you said, energy is a huge contributing factor.
Would love to catch up with you.
Katie